Complainers

We all have complaints ever now and then. It is a part of human nature. Whenever something is not up to our expectations, we feel the need to complain to someone about it.

However, there is a type of person who is never satisfied no matter what the circumstance. You know who I am talking about. These people have such a demanding expectation on the life that exists around them that when life does not "measure up," (which is constantly,) it drives these people nuts.

For instance, going to a movie, these people will criticize the lighting, the dialogue, the accuracy of the set props, and on and on.

In other cases, the temperature is too hot or too cold. They are constantly changing the temperature gauge to suit their inability to relax.

Then, there are the side-seat drivers who tell you not to go so fast, don't take certain streets, and generally follow their advice at all times.

At no point in a complainer's life is he or she truly satisfied with life. There is always something wrong, always someONE to correct, someTHING to correct, or something wrong to point out.

One wonders if these people know about happiness. One wonders if these people can get through a day without picking on something or someone.

Now, I know you must find it humorous that I happen to be complaining about complainers, but I am not known for being a complainer. I usually just adapt to the situation. For instance, if the movie is bad, I don't loudly pick it apart. I try to enjoy something about it.

That's not a complainer trait. These people think they have a right to spout off about their problems with the world at all times.

I don't care what you think of our President.
I don't care that your supermarket just ran out of your favorite dishwasher soap.
I don't care that you hated the last movie you saw.
I don't care that you have changed the a/c fifteen times in the last hour.

Essentially, if you complain just to complain, write a blog and get a readership who cares. And learn to freaking ADAPT, fer crying out loud.

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Are You Not Entertained?

Former cycling teammate of Lance Armstrong, Tyler Hamilton, has admitted to doping, but more importantly, he has joined an ever growing group of cyclists who claim that Lance Armstrong has used blood doping to claim his multiple Tour de France titles.

The question that inevitably arises is this: Should we strip athletes of medals and accolades when they have been known to be cheating?

I actually think that they should because the victories were achieved under false pretenses. If Lance doped, then the Lance who won all of those cycling championships was altered. Enhanced, if you will.

An enhanced athlete is an athlete who probably feels that he (or she. I'm looking at you, Marion Jones,) cannot win unless he dopes. If doping is so pervasive that a cyclist feels that he cannot compete without blood doping, then the sport is a sham, and it doesn't matter who wins because everyone is suspect.

Then again, I have an alternative point of view. This is controversial, but I don't care because it's my opinion, so deal with it.

Deep down, I think that doping is cheating. I despise it, and I have no respect for those who do it. (Now, I'm looking at you, Barry Bonds.)

HOWEVER, if blood doping and steroid use is going to happen regardless of the testing techniques used, why not just let it happen? Let athletes inject themselves, use the steroid creams, dope their blood with transfusions, etc. After all, we want to see the best of the best in sports, am I right?

In baseball, we revere batters who can hit home runs left and right. Before the steroid era, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire were heroes. Now, they are both seen as disappointments to their sport. Is that really what we want?

Why not encourage athletes to use whatever methods they deem worthy to run faster, heal faster, jump farther, punch harder, lift greater amounts, etc?

Making all steroids legal will create the super-beings we seem to crave. And if all forms of cheating are allowed, the playing field is leveled, and each athlete takes the individual risks themselves.

Now, I know that some people will cry, "But it sets a bad example for the kids." But let's look at what sports teach our kids:

In football/soccer, kids are taught how to dive to draw penalties against opponents.

In American football, kids are taught how to chop-block opponents, arm-bar opponents, and they are taught how to spray cooking oil on their uniforms to make themselves slippery and harder to tackle.

In baseball, young pitchers are taught how to use a spit-ball and a scuff-ball. Young batters are taught how to make corked bats, and how to crowd the plate to encourage an intentional pitch that hits them.

Cheating exists in every sport. Cheating is so prevalent in our society that we have a popular phrase uttered every so often by athletes that states, "If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying."

In the past, I would bristle at that phrase and reply in anger. "Cheating is a form of lying, and dishonesty in sports should always be discouraged."

But if the forms of cheating are no longer called cheating, it's not lying. Why not remove all barriers to using performance enhancers? Let pitchers throw a spitter. Let batters use corked bats. Let NFL players spray cooking oil on their uniforms. Let guys inject themselves with growth hormones. After all, this is for our entertainment. Don't you all want to be entertained?

Don't you want athletes who play at the peak of our technological know-how? Don't you want to see super-athletes? Don't you want to drink beer and marvel at a 600 foot home run shot? Don't you want to see an NFL pass that is thrown for 80 yards before it hits the receiver? Wouldn't you love to see a human cyclist reach levels not possible for normal humans?

I say, screw the ban on cheating. Let it all happen, and let's all sit back and watch these mutant athletes in amazement. It's either that, or continue to ban drugs, ban cheating, and watch as only some of the cheaters are caught while the rest skate by without scrutiny.

To me, it's all or nothing. We are the Roman mob, after all. We want to see the Christians eaten by the lions. To say that we don't is to be disingenuous.

Be Wary of Inquisitive Jeans

Whenever I get into my car, I have a tendency to take the phone out of my pocket so that I can charge it while I drive. This seems perfectly practical, yet on one recent day I decided to keep my phone in my pocket. Maybe I had already charged it, but in my pocket, it stayed.

It was a 10 minute drive to my destination. I parked, opened the car door, got out, and the first thing I did was take my phone out to check the time. (21st Century males don't wear watches, they check their data phones.)

When I turned the phone's screen on, a strange thing revealed itself to me.

If you know what "pocket dialing" or "butt dialing" means, you know what direction this is heading because I noticed my phone was not at the main screen. Instead, an internet browser had been opened up.

Now, I know that my pocket is an avid news junkie, so this did not surprise me. What did surprise me was the piece of information my pocket needed.

In the browser, my pocket had apparently opened up a Google search for a word. The results were all there, and staring back at me was the word my pocket was so desperate to learn.

That word was "poop."

Yes, in my ten-minute drive to my destination, my pocket opened up a browser, typed the letters P-O-O-P, and then hit the search button.

Why my pocket needed to know the definition of the word "poop" is now a mystery I am currently investigating. Until I learn the facts, I have told my pocket to lay off the Internets. I don't know if he got the point because after I said that, shortly thereafter, I saw Google searches on my phone for the words "abduction" and "phone liberation front."

I have a feeling my pocket is plotting against me. It may be time to buy new pairs of jeans.

Just Wondering . . .

Arnold Schwarznegger admitted to screwing his family over by fathering a child out of wedlock ten years ago. Since he was only California Governor for seven years, does that mean we got off lucky?

LIVE NUDE WOMEN and Other Peculiarities

Randomness to Begin a Blog: Driving through the seedier sides of a city, one might find a string of strip clubs with big signs that promise "LIVE NUDE WOMEN" inside. I always wondered where the DEAD NUDE WOMEN were kept. I mean, the establishment makes it very clear that these are LIVE women, not DEAD ones, and it makes me wonder who is thinking about all of the necrophiliacs out there? They have needs, too. And what about the LIVE NUDE MEN? Or DEAD NUDE MEN? I'm just trying to spread some of the joy around a bit. Is that so wrong?

Another Random Bit: If you are at a brasserie on a Paris street corner having a glass of wine with some French friends and someone calls for a toast, do they call that a French Toast? If so, where's the maple syrup?

One Final, Random Piece: You've heard of "whole wheat," right? Have you ever heard of "half-wheat?" "Partial-wheat?" "Mostly-wheat?" What about "I Can't Believe It's Not Wheat?" I stay awake thinking about these things.

Okay. Enough silliness.

You might be wondering to yourself, why a blog? Well, I often ask that of myself after wondering who invented the word "blog?" I decided to write this blog to get out some of my creativity onto the internets. I have tons of stuff to say, some funny, some shocking, some innocent, some guilty, and I swear, you won't believe the stuff that rattles around inside my head. It might cause eczema after reading it, if not treated carefully.

I named the blog "Alternate Unrealities" because "alternate reality" describes a kind of story where our real world is changed slightly to make the story different from a regular story. For example, New York City being overrun by ghosts in "Ghostbusters," a space-alien, documentation bureaucracy in "Men In Black," or a world where most women are infertile, and those few who are able to have children become slaves, in "A Handmaid's Tale." All of these are good examples of alternate reality stories.

So, I started thinking about alternate unrealities. An "unreality" is the quality or state of being unreal, and if you think about it, nothing is more unreal than reading the words in a book, which conjures images in your mind of characters situations, and settings. Fiction is the ultimate unreality, and I wanted to discuss a little of that.

Also, I have a strange sense of humor about the world, so that will come out on this page, as well.

Read it with an eye toward the absurd. Unreality is only a mouse click away.

And on we go.